Mississippi Whyyy: Five Questions

Written By: M.K. Talarovich

If I were the gay version of Pat Robertson, you bet your ass I’d be calling the tornado that ripped through Covington County, Mississippi on Monday God’s punishment for the abominable religious freedom bill that was signed into law last week. But, as it stands, I’m not an eighty-four-year-old wackadoo with a head full of crazy and a television show.

Mississippi’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act will take effect on July 1 of this year. The bill is just another formally written piece of mumbo jumbo (constructed with valuable time that could’ve been spent on fixing our nation’s actual problems) that will give Christians even more power to spread that divinely inspired hate, and allow them to refuse service to gays – you know, based on their religious views. “Oh, you’re a homo? Well I believe in the Bible and our great state of Mississippi says I don’t have to serve you. Good luck finding someone morally bankrupt enough to serve you a cheeseburger.” [Never mind the fact that we gays would be going for organic vegetable wraps instead, and we’d be happily served by eco-friendly people with brains… but I don’t know if those are real things in Mississippi.] Guess I missed that verse somewhere along the lines: “Thou shalt treat your gay neighbors like shit.”

Okay, Mississippi. Since you’re really doing this, I have just a few teensy questions…

  1. So you’re protecting your freedom of religion, protecting the freedoms of specific individuals, by taking a giant shit on the freedoms of other Americans? In what world does that make sense? Oh, right. In this one – where Christians are superior. Where you get to wake up one morning, decide you believe in God, and gain free admittance into the clubhouse of holier-than-thous who LOVE Jesus but act in manners 100% contradictory to what the Savior actually said. Welcome to America, my friends. It’s THAT easy.
  2. Based on my own personal religious views, I can discriminate against Christians, right? It’s a “religious freedom” rule. Does that mean Muslims get to exercise their religious freedom? Didn’t think of that one, did ya? My religion forbids me from associating with bigots, hypocrites and bible-toting douchebags. YOUR bill allows me to refuse service to YOU.
  3. What’s next? Sure, now you’re just refusing to bake cakes for us. But what’s next? Are we going to be sitting at the back of the bus soon? Drinking out of separate water fountains? And does your religious mania start and end with the LGBT community? Will you soon begin denying people with brown eyes? Mentally handicapped? Jews?
  4. Don’t you have bigger fish to fry than making extra sure the God-fearing citizens of the south receive super special treatment? Like, oh, doing something about the fact that your state is second highest in teen pregnancy rates? Or taking a stab at the fact that you’re now number one in obesity – in the nation? Maybe you should spend a little more time focusing on sex and health education, and a little less time deluding yourselves with your childish, self-serving interpretations of scripture.
  5. Do you really think God’s going to save you a seat after this? Oh man, I can see it now.

BELIEVER (as in, anyone who supports these moronic bills, politician or not) dies and gets to the pearly gates.

God: Ah, I’ve been waiting for you.

Believer: Is this it!!? Am I really here?!! I’ve been waiting forever!

God: What is with you people looking so forward to kicking the bucket?

Believer: To spend eternity here with you!

God: You couldn’t have just made the most of it while you were on earth?

Believer: Oh I did, Lord. But that was nothing compared to what this is going to be! I lived according to your word. I upheld the Ten Commandments. I –

God: Reaaallllly?

Believer: Absolutely!

God: You have “Guilty of #9” written all over your face.

Believer: Well sure, I had to bend the truth a little at times…

God: And what about all that stuff I sent my son down there to teach you all?

Believer: Oh I LOVE Jesus!

God: But not your neighbor – like he told you to.

Believer: I loved ALL people!

God: The gays?

Believer: Well sure I loved them! I just didn’t approve of their lifestyle. The Bible says –

God: I know what the Bible says. I wrote it, you twit. It also instructed you to make animal sacrifices. When’s the last time you offered me a toasty goat?

Believer: Well, that’s Old Testament. That’s –

God: Less legitimate a command than others? The Ten Commandments are in the Old Testament!

Believer: … You’re Old Testament!

God: That is absolutely accurate. I’m also GOD. I gave you your entire life to figure this out, to love me and to serve others, exactly as you were commanded to do. And you spent the whole time splitting hairs over “what the Bible means to say.” And you used it as an excuse to put others down. You used ME to flaunt your make-believe superiority. You used my #1 bestseller as an excuse to be a dick to anyone and everyone that wasn’t like you. You have failed, sir.

Believer: But I went to church every Sunday! And I gave to charity! And I –

God: I said good day!

Get your shit together, Mississippi. Get your shit together, anyone who believes your religious views make you better than someone else. If your god does exist, he’s not going to be impressed with your slimy, hateful behavior. Maybe start putting a little more emphasis on your personal relationship with him, and a little (or a lot) less on gay sex.

You’re phonies. We know it, and God knows it.

M.K. Talarovich